help

"So was I once myself a swinger of birches.
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate wilfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return. Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree~
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches."

-Frost

There are things, and people, that move you. It's hard to say why sometimes, and it's even harder to know why because sometimes you say things that you thought that you thought but then a year and a half later there you are all punchdrunklovesad and aware, and you know that you might end up like this

and spending your time like this

and writing like this

and then like this

and then like this 

and then like this

but thats ok because maybe that's how everyone ends up.

when I was younger, I used to hope that hearts spilled like this

which isn't wrong to want except that it's not true(it's also cheesy, which is really just another word for untrue). I don't know if it's wrong to want things that aren't true. I do know I used to spend all of my time trying not to answer "Why do beautiful songs make you sad?" with 'Because they aren't true.'(Foer) but I did answer that way, I just wished I could stop, just like how sometimes you wish there was a net across the inside of everyone's mouth that would catch anything they would regret saying.  Anyway, what I found out when I got a little bit older, which is funny to say because I'm not even old now unless I die soon in which case these years will end up being my elderly years if you think about it, is that hearts spill like this 

and that maybe when you ask someone to love you (because I think part of telling someone you love them is really asking them if they love you, or if they would consider it, or if they could) is really asking them if they would let you spill your heart on their page, and they could spill their heart on your page. It wouldn't have to be the whole page, but enough to make sure it wasn't the same anymore, and you could warn each other that with the way ink is it might end up filling up the whole page because ink bleeds slowly for a long time sometimes if there's too much too soon, which is how anything is anyway when you think about it. 

There's really only a few things people say to each other. Someone I know, and that I know about, gets upset because they think some questions that people ask each other are just things that people say in order to fill up empty space, which of course is true sometimes but it can't be true all the time because there are only a few questions that you can really ask anyone about anything and it's not fair not to pay attention to why they are asking that question and to how they ask it. We all have enough to deal with already, we should assume the best whenever we can. A band I listen to called Arcade Fire always tell their fans to take care of each other at the end of their concerts, and that made me think that that's something we should all say at the end of every conversation. Not to feel better about ourselves, but so that people are reminded. I don't think messages like that can take the place of Jesus, I think it's something that Jesus would say in a better way if He were saying it. He might say "I'll take care of you" which would help everyone take care of each other because they wouldn't have to try to solve every problem there is, they could just remind everyone that they're already being taken care of. I wish that at funerals everyone had ink-stamps on their hands that would leave "me too" every time you hugged someone or patted them on the back, because that way when everyone got home and were changing out of their clothes, they would be reminded of that a hundred times and it would always be on those clothes, because maybe that's the thing you should be reminded of when you get home from a funeral because everyone carries weight home from funerals, it's just heavier for some, but maybe if everyone pulled on corners at the same time the weight would be more even for everyone. Maybe people write in order to make the weight more even for everyone, because maybe there are people that feel too much and people that don't feel enough and when the people that feel too much write it fills up the people who don't feel enough and then everyone is better, is safer. Or I wish God gave everyone a cup that would be more full or less full depending on how much you were hurting and when someone was hurting a lot people who were hurting less could come over and you could pour some of your hurt into their cups to make it easier, even if it were only for a little while, even if they poured it back into your cup when they left. The only problem is, I think everyone's cup would be full. 

Of the few things that we can say to each other, there are things I hope to say and mean, rather than say and hope to mean. I don't mean how sometimes you go to someones house and they ask if you want something to eat or drink and you realize that they are really asking if you could let them take care of you for awhile and so you say yes even though you just ate or even though you don't like vegetable lasagna, especially when it's past the normal lifespan for vegetable lasagna. I mean how sometimes you say that no matter what, you won't do/think/feel exactly what it is that you know that if you would stop being afraid you would do/think/feel and when you aren't afraid anymore and you ask someone what they think about that they say they would if they could which you hear as "I would if I wanted to" because that's what that means anyway, if you think about it.

Sometimes I wonder if trying to tell someone you love them will be like trying to tell them about the thing that happened and afterwards you were never the same because