peace

There are moments when you realize that everything is changing, is moving. It's like when you thought you knew about space because you knew that the earth moves around the sun at 66,700 mph but then you learned that the whole Local Cluster is moving towards somewhere from somewhere at 600km/s, and you realized more has been moving than you thought. I don't like writing the words "everything is changing" because it's one of those untrue statements that is, unfortunately, true. What I mean is, it's a statement that doesn't really express what needs to be expressed but there's no other way to say it really, except that you could say that everything is moving and that would be better because when you think about it, you can't even really define what change is, or what movement is, so maybe you shouldn't say that either.

 All you can really say is 

now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now nownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownownow

 and keep on saying that until you're dead I guess. What I mean is, it's a waste of time to say everything's changing because by the time you said it it's already changed again, kind of like when you take a picture of something. You don't have a picture of a person, you have a picture of a usedtobeaperson. You don't have a picture of a place, you have a picture of a usedtobeaplace, because the person or the place has already changed. These are just things I think about. Like how the epidermis replaces itself every 35 days, which means that you're touching someone different every month, or at least a newly-skinsuited someone. Maybe that's why people kiss so much or have sex over and over and over for their whole lives, besides the fact that they want to. Maybe they want the new cells of the person that they love to know everything the old cells knew.


I don't want to miss anything. I don't want to wake up a long time from now when I'm still young and realize how simple it all is, or was, or could have been. What I was saying in all those words was I don't want to miss the point, like how there are lots of people who think war is like this:

but it's not. 


It's like this:

and it's like this:

and it's like this:

and anyways that's how everything in life is. Not uglier than we think. Heavier than we think. 

I used to be afraid of living under the weight, because I thought I was missing out on something, or some place, where there wasn't a weight, and if I just waited long enough or prayed enough of the right things I would get a bus ticket in the mail and instructions on where to go to catch the bus to that place. That wasn't true. It still isn't true, and I don't suspect that that will be true for quite some time. What I mean is, I think we all live under the weight.

We live under the weight of this:

and this:

 and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

and this:

 and this:

 and this:

  

and also under the weight of love.

I don't think too much about the future. Most of the time, these are the things that are on my mind and I've tried to explain that to some people and they understood, they said, but what they really were saying was, I'm willing to try to understand that because I like you, and I'm not saying that's wrong I'm just saying that I can't live like that, but don't ask because I don't know how I can live, I just have a list of ways I can't live and that's enough for now and even if it weren't enough I wouldn't care because that's all I've got and there isn't any more. I guess I go around saying now now now now now now now now now now now now now now now with my brain because I don't want to miss more than I've already missed, and if you asked me if theres any place in particular that I would like to be right now I'd shrug my shoulders and say no but thanks for asking. I'm not becoming stoic, I'm just not going to pretend my life is something other than what it is, and what it is is simple and it's in black and white. It won't always be that way, but it is for now.

The kind of peace that I have is the kind that reminds you
that even though you think that you'll either end up like this:

 or like this:

 or like this:

 or like this:

 you'll actually end up like all of those pictures squeezed into one and if you don't like that then you can leave, except that Frost was right when he said that Earth is the best place for love, and that it isn't likely to go better anywhere else.

I don't know how to say this except by saying that maybe learning to be at peace is learning to live, and love, under the weight instead of trying to get out from under the weight. I don't know what's going to happen, and I don't know if I'm going to find what I'm looking for, or if you will. I'm tired of talking about what I want, and hearing about what other people want.

What I've been trying to say this whole time is












peace is an ache