I love Radiohead. I think they are one of the most original and talented bands alive and perhaps of all time as well. When I first started listening to them, I listened to them because I wanted to like them. I heard about them from someone along the way and went out and bought their album "OK Computer" after being told that it was one of the most important albums of the 90's (second only one of their other albums "The Bends", of course). The only problem was, I didnt like it. I listened to it all the time, I even got some of the songs stuck in my head, but I just didnt like it. Of course, when I talked to my friends about it, I raved about how deep it was and how it embodied the spectrum of abilities and insights necessary for a band to distinguish itself as groundbreaking and important presence in the musical world (and yes, I actually said those words, pretty gay right?) And so I continued, struggling through song after song on OK Computer and taking every opportunity to talk about its brilliance with whomever crossed my path, all the while hoping that I would be thought of as being smart, trendy, "In", however you want to say it, because of the music I muscled through. It wasn't Radiohead's music that attracted me to them initially, it was their image, their stigma, their "We're brilliant and we don't give a damn whether you agree or not" attitude. I didn't want to listen to them, I wanted to be seen as someone who listened to them, even if that meant actually listening to their music.
The above scenario has been true of me in so many instances within the world of music and in so many other areas outside of music as well. The desire to be seen as someone who does something rather than to actually be someone who does things runs deep with me, and I dont expect that I'll ever get it all out. There is something inside me that wants to be a genius, that wants to be so damn good at something that people are secretly in awe of me when I walk by or are blown away by the insights I give in a conversation. "Damn that dude is brilliant. I wish I could be more like him" I hope they think as I pass. I think these things sometimes. But my desire to attain the heights of success and ability and renown is exactly like my initial desire to like radiohead. I want to be seen as certain kind of person, I dont actually want to have to do ingenious things. Wearing these kind of masks is easier than actually doing something. Hearing about a book and then talking about it as if you've read it is easier than actually reading the book. Saying you like music that smart people like is easier than being honest about not really liking the music and not getting it. Saying you were blown away by the art exhibit when you were really bored out of your mind is easier than admitting that you dont get art or that, at the end of the day, you just dont like it very much. Pretending and conforming are always easier and they are always masks. Insightful, interesting, and creative people are nothing more than people who think for, and are honest with, themselves.
Stop pretending and stop being boring.
I'm Tyler Barstow and I wear masks. I also geniunely love Radiohead now. Go figure.
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First of all, I just want you to know that I am listening to Radiohead (for the first time, mind you) as I am writing this. I’ll refrain from telling you my opinion, because a) its not the point and b) I don’t know if I have one yet.
ReplyDeleteSo I read this. And then a little later in the day I came back and read it again. And then I thought about it a whole lot.
I realized when I went to New York just how much I do this. And by this, I mean putting on masks. The very first night of LIFT we all had this discussion and this one guy was saying he didn’t know who he was going to be at LIFT. Was he going to be funny Matt? Or music Matt? Or smart Matt? And for that matter, who is Matt, really? Here we all were, in a situation where no one knew us, and we could present ourselves however we wanted. It really makes you think about what parts of you are really you and which are just masks that you’ve been wearing. I thought about just how much I had done this in the past. I wanted to be perceived in a certain light, and would do things or pretend to do things so that I was seen that way. This habit had become so deeply ingrained in me, that I didn’t even recognize that I was doing it. Which was incredibly frightening. And yet, even when it was brought to my knowledge, I continued to do it. I did it during LIFT, and I’m still doing it.
And because I’ve been doing it for so long, its difficult to even separate what is real from what isn’t. I have a really clear picture of who I want to be, but not so clear when it comes to knowing who I actually am. That picture is warped in so many ways.
And as I’m typing this, I just keeping thinking what bondage that sounds like. Restricted by these confines I’ve put on myself, trying to pretend and conform. But isn’t life in Christ supposed to be freedom? And yet, I find that a lot of these tendencies to pretend come out the most in my Christian circles. I want to know, or at the very least look like I know, doctrine and theology without taking the time to actually study it. I want it to look like I have it all together, like I know what I’m talking about.
And as a result of all this, I have walls the like the Great Wall of China up around me all the time. Walls and masks.
I feel like I have to examine my motives on everything I do, and even then I have a hard time deciphering what is genuine.
All of this kind of reminds me of parts of Donald Miller’s book, Searching for God Knows What. I honestly did read that whole book, and I liked it.
And also kind of reminds me of a Brooke Fraser song I was listening to last night. Its called the C.S. Lewis Song. Combining music with C.S. Lewis— to me, that is genius.
Well, that was a lot of babbling. Which is exactly why I don’t blog. My mind goes in a hundred different directions, and when I try to write it down its all over the place. Sorry for the lack of organized, coherent thought. But I’ll try to put it all in a nutshell—I enjoyed reading what you wrote. It made me think a lot. And I appreciated your honesty. And perhaps you are thinking I’m completely off my rocker and totally missed what you were getting at, but its where my mind took me. All of that to say, thank you for sharing and allowing me to read!
I think I’m going to go listen to some Dave Barnes now. I don’t care what anybody says, I love him and that’s legit.