The Great Beyond

I don't know why this blog post is entitled The Great Beyond. I figured it would probably grab peoples attention. Speaking of which, I realized this week (after being told) how needy for attention I can be, and so I've decided to write about that this morning. I love attention, and I always have. When I was younger(first year of highschool) I remember that I had to give my testimony in my public speaking class, and I was nervous, so I made up some cool stories to go along with the true ones because most of the true ones were boring. People certainly laughed more. Another time, when I was older, I asked a girl that worked at the bar by my house out on a date (this was last week). She said I could come up there and hang out with her some more, which, when I looked it up in my pocket Girl Dictionary, means "No, I wouldn't like to go on a date with you". I was disappointed. One of my friends saw that I was disappointed, and she said the usual nice things that friends say to each other during such trying times: "Don't worry about it". But then, later, she got in my face about caring too much about other peoples approval and feeling entitled to having whatever I want, in this case it was a girl. She was right, of course, and I thanked her right then for saying it, and again 4 hours later when we were hanging out again. Its funny how, despite having grown up a lot since that testimony flop my freshman year of highschool, I've kept parts of the same tendencies. Approval matters too much to me. Granted, its only certain kinds now. If people don't like my music, it hurts a little bit but I'm ok. If people don't like my ideas I argue with them until one of us is obviously right, and I'll objectively admit who that is, I don't have a problem saying that I'm wrong anymore, or maybe its just less of a problem, yeah thats probably more true. Anyways, I still feel the need for approval in other ways, and the main way is from girls and older people. I know, I know, the older people thing is weird. To be perfectly honest, I just want older people to think that I'm the next badass, just plodding my way through a normal life en route to Olympian heights. That way, when they are even older, they can tell their grandkids that they knew me. I'm sick, I know. With girls, I think its basically the same, except that I want them also to wish they were with me. My mind is a funny place most of the time. One time, on my way to London to sing some songs, I imagined that I would meet Kiera Knightley on the street there and that as she passed me she would notice something deeply different about me and ask me out to tea, after which we would make out in the park and then get dinner together on her boat, which would begin a long engagement where the press would always follow me and I would escape them in the Audi sportscar she would buy me. In case you're wondering, I didn't see her in London. Just my luck. Most of my problem is that I read books and watch movies about people who really love each other, and you probably just thought "oh, he wants the same thing they have, and its just not the right timing and he's making an idol out of romance". That is all probably true. However, my mind has been hovering over a different part of the issue recently. I am not totally sure that I could really love someone. I want to, I hope to, but I have this obstacle. I'm not sure how to describe it except by saying that there are secluded parts of my mind/heart/soulishness stuff that no one else has been able to get to beside myself and God, and I don't see how I can ever be apart of a romantic relationship without that space being understood and found by someone else. Oh shit, sorry, this just got really awkward for you I'm sure. I feel awkward and its my secret place. Sorry about that. So back to my original point. I love attention for two reasons. I'm full of myself, and I want people to affirm me and laugh at my jokes and think I'm smarter than I am and ask me why I'm quiet or down so that I can dump some more of my emotional bullshit on them, and I love attention because I want to find, and the be loved by, a girl who I know understands me and who I want around and who loves the attention that I give to her. I'm only a little bit less shallow than this post would lead you to believe.