when you write words, you try to choose the ones that most mean what you mean, like how when you care for someone you aren't concerned about the kinds of expressions that you're using to show them how you care for them, you only care about them understanding your care for them. there are these people that are like diamonds, not because they are expensive or sharp, but because they have a million subtle windows and each one presents a different angle or view or piece of them, except that with people you might keep on turning them over in your heart's hand forever and never run out of new things to see or know or want to know. I know someone like that.
did you know that there is a kind of grasshopper (scientists reading this just turned a bit in their future graves because the right word is Caelifera, which is a part of the Orthoptera order. i'm sorry, i'm interested in scientific things but i like to talk about it in my own way) that has evolved pink eyes and pink nodules all over its body because the fungi that grows on the plants in its habitat is bright colors like pink and purple? that wasn't related, but it was on my mind because i like learning things like that.
when you think about the kinds of things that stop you in your tracks, you realize that those are the types of things to spend your time with. words stop me in my tracks, or rather the way people use words. i'm not a big dictionary guy myself, although i will browse it from time to time. i'm more interested in words in peoples' hands and mouths and lungs. there are some words, though, that you shouldn't say very often, even if you think them, because it would steal something from their meaning to be said too often. the same can be said about people. there is someone that i ought not talk about much for now, because it's too much for me. i don't break down so easily, but these days that's a different story, and i mean that in the turn of phrase kind of way and because it means what i want it to mean, which is that poetry, whether it's made of words or actions or a person, breaks in on you in ways you couldn't ever expect, or hope to expect. if you've ever known the kind of silence that settles over mountains and forests and fields under snow, the kind that is so loud and heavy that you would leave if you could but you can't because you need that kind of silence, you love that kind of silence, then you know something of desire and the feeling that slips in between you and the rest of the world because of someone, and the way they are. there is an elegance to desire that is hardly ever noticed, because we spend so much time wanting someone else to take off our clothes that we forget that the really important part, the real substance of the thing, is finding someone who can take off our heart's clothes, because that's something that hardly anyone can do.
i don't know much about hardly anything, but one thing that is true is that my heart has it's knees pulled up to its chest and is rocking the to's and fro's of desire, biting its lip and keeping it in for now, as much as one is able to keep such things in.
there are few things more inescapable and painful than joy when the gift of constant expression has been removed.
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