hereafter

this is a short post about how there's always something to fix. it hurts my head to think of all the ways that i still need to grow and mature and be less of an idiot, and the thing is, it's not so i can feel better about myself and be able to a shoot a short film about my heart and mind where everyone is smiling. it's because i'm worn out with the clamor for more more more more more more more more more more that my mind makes. i'm tired of talking to God about how serious i am this time, because even by saying that i've already missed the point. i'm tired of not trusting God enough to let Him all the way inside my heart and mind. i'm tired of being part fool part less fool.

the shift from holiness-as-burden to holiness-as-rescue has taken a long time in my heart, and it has a ways to go still.

i'd be lying if i didn't say that i wish times like this, times of pick-yourself-up-off-your-ass-and-listen, were the part of the film near the end where I throw my duffle bag in the back of the truck and drive off-screen to the voice of an old british guy talking about how from that time on, things were never the same for Tyler and were always better.

 too bad, huh?

i guess what i mean is, there is no sweet-hereafter until heaven.