The real depth of the way things are is something you spend you're whole life sounding. If you know me, and it isn't hard to know me because I'm pretty simple, you might know that that word sounding is a play on words when I talk about trying to understand the depth of things because I love music. Music is something that I couldn't get away from even if I wanted to. I was driving in Richmond today and there were some of those skinny metal towers with lights on them that blink, and anyways the important part is that they were blinking at different times (I think two were blinking their blinks in their usual way and the third was blinking on the downbeat) and the rhythm bothered me. Not an angry bother, just a "please turn the lights down in this room a bit, my eyes are hurting" kind of bother. There isn't much in my life that isn't associated in some way with music, and I'm grateful for that.
I'm grateful for a lot of things. I'm not very wise, and my friends and family know that, but I'm grateful that I'm a little bit wiser than I used to be because I haven't always been in the best waters and most of the time I was churning up those waters, though I have been under the weight of a few things that I didn't create or invent. Creation and invention are different things, that's something you should know. Another thing that I learned yesterday when I was outside was that squirrels don't run like dogs or cheetahs, they spring off of their back legs and just bounce on their front legs. Watch them sometime. Some science someone might respond and say that squirrels do run like cheetahs, and that's fine, I'm often wrong.
One thing I learned about myself over the last couple weeks is that I don't understand as much as I think I do. I don't mean about any certain thing, I just mean in the general way, like when you remember that time you told your parents in high school that you hated them because you weren't allowed to go to a party or some such thing because they wanted "family time", and then you grow up some and you realize that family time is a hell of a lot more important than whether you get to go to every social thing that ever happens. Anyways, the things is, the reason for holiness dawned on me over the last couple of weeks. I know that it did, because I did some marginally stupid things (not the kind of bad things you write down in a book or try not to watch in a movie, the kind of bad things you bring up at care group so that people have a sense of awe and wonder at your wildness. They probably don't have either of those things after hearing about it, but you hope that they do and so you say it, and you say it in a "oh, if only the Lord could get a hold of ME" kind of way. Sorry, that's just how I've been in the past.) and I was grieved by them. I mean honestly saddened. My parents just read that and rejoiced a little bit, as well they should. Anyway, holiness is like maturing which is like seeing the real value of things. I'm starting to think that sin is wrong in some ways because it steals the value that things are supposed to have, like letting the air out of a balloon a little at a time until it's not so much of a balloon anymore.
And that's the infuriating thing about grace, and why grace is the most uncomfortable thing about God when you think about it. I agree, it is maddening at times that God sends people to hell, I'm not hiding from that. But the more I learn about myself, the more I'm surprised that He doesn't send everyone to hell. I mean, I'm glad also, for the record, but the weight of grace is something else, I swear. I've asked God to strike me with lightning a number of times, including in the last few weeks, and He never does. (Ok you atheists, this is your moment to shout that He hasn't struck me because He isn't there. Ok, you're moment is over. This is my blog after all.) There are people who probably wish I'd been struck by lightning, and if any of you reading this are numbered amongst them, I'll be the first to admit that I've deserved that early and often. Instead, God brings us to His table and dresses us in his finest clothes at the very moment we wish He would order 30 lashes. 31 would be a bit harsh of course, but 30 is something we could suffer through and brag about.
Maybe God designed grace so that we can't brag about anything. And also so that we could know Him and keep on knowing Him.
I'm not sure about so many things as I used to be sure about, but I know more and more how much I care for those I really care for, and that I don't deserve to be cared for. Maybe on my tombstone, if I have one, I will ask that they write "more than anything, he was astonished by grace".
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