"and this just feels like/spinning plates"

It would probably be best for you to listen to "Like Spinning Plates" by Radiohead while you read this part of the post. I've been sorting through my life recently trying to find what belongs and what doesn't, and here is my list things that don't belong right now:

Romance
Organized Soccer
Eating Out
Pursuing more than 4 or 5 friendships
Writing Music
Speeding Tickets

I'm sure I'll add more things to that list in the coming month or so, but I probably won't post an updated list because I'm lazy like that. It is amazing to me how distracted and discontent I have been for most of my life. While there are certainly a number of more minor things contributing to this, I think the most important cause of my unrest is my habit of continuing to stretch for things that God has kept out of reach. My adventures in the world of romance/relationships/whatever label of this pursuit you may fancy have been dead ends. Had I not been such an idiot, these dead ends would have probably been the kind that have a nice cul-de-sac at the end to turn around in. In reality, I've run off the road and hit a tree more times than not. Why is this? (You should start listening to "House of Cards" by Radiohead now if "Like Spinning Plates" is over) I keep wanting something that God doesn't want me to have right now. After all my thrashing around in the water and long drives and desperate songs and failed attempts, I think it centers on this simple truth: It just isn't time. The same can be said about my friendships. The fact is, I have spent most of my life chasing relationships with people. I remember when I was high school, I used to go to parties not because I actually thought I would enjoy them but because I wanted to be liked by the people there. I didn't want to be there, I wanted to want to be there. I have also stretched myself too thin socially. I think its very difficult to pursue a close relationship with more than maybe 6 or 7, or maybe 8 if you're really good, people(or couples). Admittedly, I may just have less emotional resources than other people, but I've never been able to really invest in more than that number of people at any given time. In my list, I said 4 or 5, and that's because I will soon have an ass load of work and I will have less time to spend with people. A question I used to ask myself was "Why don't I fit into more social groups?". Now, I've started asking myself "Why do you feel like you need to fit into that social group?" instead. Historically, friendships have been another way for me to love myself. Recently, I've been trying to spend time with the people I actually love because of who they are, not because of what being affiliated with them will get me. I won't pretend that I was ever/am at either of those extremes. As is usually the case with all of us, our picture of our past and our present is full of bolder colors, and further extremes, than are or were ever real.

My life has been/is full of things that not only are a distraction from the richness of the world around me, they are pushing me further into the confusion that has afflicted me so chronically. These things are not bad things in and of themselves, but at the wrong time, in the wrong context, and with the wrong people, they are spinning plates, and I can't keep them all going anymore. I'm cutting them out, and I won't go back to them until the time is right.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isETL6R7x2w&NR=1