The Truth

To be at your best, I think you also have to be at your worst. So, I'm at my worst. I'm scared out of my mind for the first time in my life. Honestly, the first time. It just hit me tonight that I'm not living where I used to live. When I say tonight I mean in the last ten minutes. I think that to love something, it has to move you, and things that move you scare you, and they scare you out of your mind. I could cry right now, and I would if I hadn't surpressed that part of me so much, or rather exhausted that part of myself. That's more true than surpressed. I wish I could see my parents right now, and I wish I could see Mark and Ginger and Sean and Katie and Jonathan and Sharon and Peter and Michael and Aaron and Jonathan Hewitt and Patrick and Keith and Joanna and Mike and Jen and Kyle and Grandin and Shanee and Jesse and Krew and Adam. I write sometimes to grab peoples' attention, you ought to know that. Mostly, I write to grab my own attention. I'm not in college any more. There aren't any nets to catch me. If you want to see Tyler at his worst, in the midst of real, unadulterated fear, you'll have to catch me now. I won't admit to it in the morning. It hit me that I might not make it. When you love someone, the real fear that lurks in your mind is that it might not happen. I've said that I don't know what love is, and that is true, but I've loved someone before. It was a very long time ago. Now that I think about it, it wasn't love, it was a glimpse of something I couldn't process, and still can't. That's more what I mean. I've glimpsed something I couldn't process before, a long time ago, and it's just happened again. Behind the bravado and the joy of risk, there's just me, and a terrified me at that. I'm good at dealing with fear, but for tonight I'm not. You can take it or leave it, but all I need to write tonight is this: love what moves you, do what moves you, chase what moves you, need what moves you. I might end up empty handed, that's in God's hands. But the truth is, the only things that are real are the things that move you. I won't lie to myself, and neither should you.