Real Life

There are three people in my family, and I am one of them. There were things about being an only child that I liked, and things that I didn't like. I think that's about all that can be said about any situation. I've been thinking today about how that environment shaped me. It helped me grow in some ways, and kept me young in other ways, but one thing that I've wrestled with for most of my life is the sensation that the world revolves around, and depends on, me. You can laugh, its ok, I did too when I typed that. Sensation is a funny word, and the idea I wrote it next to is even funnier. But, as with so many other ideas, I've spent some time believing that that was true. It's a pretty warm idea, that turns into a heavy idea when you wear it too long, kind of like a wool sweater that you get caught in the rain in. That's something that has happened to me. I can't say exactly how I first came by it. While I agree that the beginning of a thing is more than half, I wish that someone would have piped up when that was first said and added that it's also the vaguest part of the thing, whatever it is. People say that they remember exactly when they started liking, or loving, someone and that could be true, but I think your mind sorts back through some of the pages when you aren't looking and writes in some more descriptive language for you. Your mind can be cool like that. Anyway, somehow or another, I thought that the world depended on me.
           I've always been fascinated with storms. Actually, I think the right thing to say would be that I have always been attracted to storms. Fascinated seems like something that should reserved for things the Hubble Telescope finds. The thing about storms for me is that they are one of the few places that I realize who I really am. People always tell me, when I go out in storms, because storms are the type of thing that ought to be gone out into, to be careful and not get electrocuted. I've secretly wished that lightning would come and get me some of those times. I guess that's not a secret anymore. Anyway, I've wished that sometimes because I was tired of living, and other times because I think that experience must be one of the most real things that happens, like when Tyler Durden says, just after he purposefully wrecked his car, that they've just had a near life experience. That's from the movie Fight Club. You should see it, it will change your life. I love those kinds of experiences. One reason I love them is that they re-center your thinking about yourself and your place in the world. It's easy to think that the world revolves around you when your world consists of your room and your favorite cds and some friends that also like those cds. But that's not the real world. The real world can roll up on you in a thunderhead and fry your ass. In that world, I'm just another person. Put your guns away, optimists. I know you think I'm not just another person, and let me guess, no one is. You go on thinking that, if it brings you comfort. My point is, I am just another person. The things I wrestle with are the same things that everyone else wrestles with. The girls I like are the girls that most everyone likes, or at least ought to. The music I like is the music that most people like. The food I like is the same food that everyone would like if they were honest, but some people, like my friend Chelsea, convince themselves that they don't like shrimp and grits just because they ate grits one time when they were working at a jail somewhere in the South and they didn't like them then. Southern cuisine isn't that homogenous, dear. Anyway, I think that one important realization to have before you're 25 or 26 is that you aren't as important to the world as you wish you were. The audience that you think is constantly watching and assessing your every move is really just distracted by their own problems, just like you are. And, you're going to die with well over 98% percent of the world's population either not knowing or not caring that you existed. That's important to know. It's important because I don't think you can be effective as a human until you know that. Maybe what I should say is, I haven't been able to be effective as a human without knowing that. I can't be loved by, or love, everyone. But, I can love and be loved by a few people. I can't answer every question that's ever been asked, but I can help answer a few questions. Some community pressure is real. Most of it is imagined. A woman whose name I can't remember once asked Winston Churchill, "What do you think of me?" He responded, "I don't". You could read this and think about driving your car off a bridge shaking your fist at the sky, and if you think that, stop being so dramatic. The fact is, for every William Wilberforce, there have been many thousands of people sitting alone in a dark room crying and drinking malt liquor because they weren't as famous as they had hoped to be. But Wilberforce didn't set out to be famous and recognized and to have statues of himself built and have a movie made about his life with someone playing him whom he would never meet. He set out to fix a problem. The world is full of lots of little problems that connect with each other to become big problems. Stop acting like everything everywhere depends on you, if you act that way, and start trying to fix some small problems that are within reach. Stop trying to love everyone and just love a few people. It's ok to not like people, just don't be bitter towards them.
         There is something to be said for being ambitious. Whatever it is that ought to be said about that, it ought to be said after something is said about the realities of the world we live in. The pressure and anxiety and turbulence that you feel when you think about your place in the world probably stem from a misunderstanding of your place in that world. That's how it was for me. Relax. Love some people, help fix the problems that you can be of help with, find some work, some tobacco, some wine, and some good food and make a run of it. Real life awaits you.