Still Awake

It's 2:24 am, and I can't sleep, but that's not what the title, nor this post, is about. I've messed a lot of things up in my life. I would list them, but it wouldn't be helpful for anyone, and I probably don't even know all of them. The sinking feeling that that reality carries with it can be overpowering sometimes, and it is difficult to shake, especially in the face of hope. That's an odd thing to say, I know, but bear with me. When I say hope, I don't mean optimism or expectation. I mean a real, almost tangible reality that is yet unrealized. When hope is discussed in the Bible, there's no hint of uncertainty. No one is on the edge of their seat, wondering whether Jesus is going to accomplish the things that He says He will or whether He actually has defeated death and is coming back for those who believe in Him. The object of our hope, as believers, is put in no uncertain terms. Where I struggle is in first comprehending, and then finding comfort in, that reality. In simple terms, I don't know how to hope. The trouble is essentially this. I find myself needing to ignore the future in order to stay engaged in the present. I'm not comforted by the future, I don't expect God to do good things for me, I just divert my attention away from the issue altogether lest I get sucked back into my nearly-habitual despondency. I've often wondered what it would be like to live engaged in the present while resting in the assurance that God is going to work good for me in the future. I haven't made much headway there. There's an interesting story in Greek mythology about Theseus and the Minotaur, you've probably heard of it. I was reminded of that story a few days ago when I started listening to Radiohead's album "Amnesiac" because the cover art for that album is an interpretation of the Minotaur. The Minotaur is crying in frustration at his inability to escape the labyrinth(see above picture). While that doesn't totally relate to the original mythological story, it describes how I have been feeling about this whole issue. I can't seem to solve any of my problems and I can't find a way out of this labyrinthine problem of trying to hope. I've dated/been somewhat involved with a number of girls all of whom are great and, more importantly for this post, are not the girl that I want and need. I know, right, this found its way back to the girl discussion. Not in the usual way though. When I tell my friends that I hope that things work out with the right girl for me, I feel like I'm telling my friends that when I roll the dice, I hope I roll a 6(I picked 6 because its the highest number and it always thrilled me when I was a kid when I rolled them in yahtzee). Is that really the kind of hope God is calling me to have? If so, why do subjects like this (to be honest, its mostly this subject) keep me awake all the time and cause me so much unrest? How do I hope to find an amazing girl and be content? It seems to be a constant cycle of "That would be awesome! but not yet! but that would be awesome! but not yet!" etc etc... and it wears me out. The bookends of the day find me bedraggled from the constant upheaval. Before you call me and tell me where I'm going wrong, I know that finding the right girl isn't going to fix all of my problems. I know she isn't going to be Jesus for me. I know that I think about this stuff too much, but sometimes I feel like I can't help it. How is it that I can hope for this without it distracting me and keeping me awake at night? How do I put it in a jar and put it up on the shelf?